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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26719153">Satan Claus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies'>Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Treated Seriously, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Post Season 5, Sibling bickering, crackfic, do not copy to another site, reference to s5e22, religious discussions, the cage (supernatural), this was literally crack i took way to seriously</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:01:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,427</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26719153</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Due to the similar spelling of Santa and Satan, sometimes little kids, when writing their own letters to Santa, make a spelling error, leading to Lucifer receiving those letters. Michael, who doesn't know this, think's his brother's actually lost his mind for good in the cage.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lucifer &amp; Michael (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Satan Claus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Yes, this is technically a christmas-y fic posted at the end of September. Honestly, this was originally written probably about five years ago? Maybe six? And I kept forgetting to finish editing and upload it before the holiday season ended. So, instead of telling myself I'd wait until December this time 'round, I decided fuck it. I don't want to do biochem notes so in one sitting edited it, and now I'm posting it before I forget and this fic ends up reaching double digits. </p>
<p>It's entirely a dumb idea that doesn't make much sense if you look at it too hard, but fourteen (fifteen?) yr old me found it funny and I can't bear to let this rot in my word files. Plus, it was fun looking at my writing style from ages ago, and seeing how much I changed?? At least personally??</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In places beyond human reach (or, more specifically, on Earth), time did not move equally. In some instances, it moved not so much linear as something instead of that sort, though jumping and slowing down here and there, picking up pace in other points and overall becoming something that could be headache-inducing, should any human be brave enough – and dumb enough – to try and document it. In Hell specifically, time moved much faster than Earth, allowing for months to pass by in seconds, and for years to pass before even sixty earth days had occurred.</p>
<p>Because of this overall disconnect in Hell alone, and Lucifer’s general disconnect with how things on Earth worked, (having, of course, been stuck for millennia in a cage designed by the Almighty) it was no surprise he often was caught off guard during Earth’s holiday season. One moment, he was sitting in one corner of the Cage, at the further possible point from his older brother, thinking of only how he might try and escape, the next moment he found his mind filled with a flurry of messages. It was as if a hive of bees had been unleashed into his mind, voices overlapping each other, some in English, some in other languages he could vaguely make sense of (unlike his brothers, whilst angels were designed to know and speak every spoken language, being trapped in a cage in the deepest pit of Hell did tend to limit his interactions with the human race compared to his not-fallen siblings), all asking and requesting various things.</p>
<p>Stunned by the immediate surprise, Lucifer paused his tapping on the Cage floor, and instead frowned as he tried to focus on one singular message first.</p>
<p>
  <em>Dear Satan, For Christmas I would like –</em>
</p>
<p>Ah, he realized, nearly smacking himself for his foolishness. How could he had been so surprised and confused by the incessant chatter in his head? Every few years, like clockwork, it would return during the time in which humans celebrated their holiday named after the Lamb of God, and he would receive a few wishes and requests for material goods like toys and ponies and other small furry animals.</p>
<p>Never once had he fully understood it, and while he had initially chalked it up as just another way of God tormenting him, over time, Lucifer had grown to, not enjoy the experience, but tolerate it a tad bit more.</p>
<p>From the other side of the cage, looking a bit worse for wear, sat Michael. Once the proud and glorious eldest archangel, he had felt the Cage’s harshness a bit more than his younger brother. Michael’s pale blue eyes watched as Lucifer’s tapping stopped, and it appeared that his brother was in deep thought before snapping his fingers and summoning a long piece of parchment and a pen. The archangel furrowed his brother, confused at the sudden change in his brother’s behaviour, and the fact that Lucifer was now feverishly writing something on the long sheet of parchment paper.</p>
<p>Unlike Lucifer, who could ever so vaguely determine the passage of Earth time from this strange phenomenon, Michael had no way of telling whatsoever how much time had passed since he was locked in the Cage by Sam Winchester. It is, to be said though, that regardless of how many years Michael assumed it might be, he was off by nearly a decade, if not a bit more. This is because, while Heaven follows a time passage scale like that of Hell, it is not to such an extreme. Rather, for Heaven, one Earth month is the equivalent of roughly six years, a little more than half the time it would be in Hell. Still, regardless of all that, Michael had no actual indicators around him to suggest that even ten minutes might’ve passed.</p>
<p>“Lucifer, what in our Father’s name are you doing?” Michael asked his brother. While keeping the worry out of his tone, he did feel some concern for his brother’s actions.</p>
<p>This sudden change could hardly be good, and as the Cage had the ability to mentally wear down its inhabitants (whether this was a design flaw, intentional, or just due to the fact it was not designed to hold <em>two </em>Archangels, least of all two of the <em>First ones)</em>, it was possible his brother had finally snapped while in here. After all, Michael mused, it wasn’t an unlikely – his brother had been locked in here since the First Sin, only to escape for less than a year before being locked in.</p>
<p>Lucifer doesn’t appear to hear him, and with a huff, Michael picks up a small stone from the Cage floor and throws it at his brother, hitting him squarely on the shoulder.</p>
<p>The younger archangel startled, looking up from his writing. Glancing over at Michael he gave him a look. “What the hell, Michael?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t answer my question,” the other said simply as if it were enough of an explanation to defend his actions.</p>
<p>“And you decided to throw a rock at me for that?” Lucifer told him in a tone that suggested, <em>Are you actually serious? What are you, five? </em>“Do remind me, which one of us is the older one?” He retorts, and Michael rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“Look, I just –” He cut himself off. “What are you writing? One moment you were fine in your corner and the next, this happened.” Michael waved a hand over in the direction of Lucifer’s paper, gesturing to all of it.</p>
<p>Lucifer shifted as if to hide the paper from Michael’s view. “It’s nothing.” He then turned his body to curl in such a way that Michael was only able to see the back of him and went back to his task.</p>
<p>“Somehow, I doubt it’s nothing.”</p>
<p>Without pausing this time, Lucifer said, “If you must know, it’s none ‘ya.”</p>
<p>“Nonya?” Michael echoed, unfamiliar with the word.</p>
<p>“Yeah, none ‘ya business,” the Morningstar finished, earning a huff from his older brother.</p>
<p>“Hilarious. I see where Gabriel got his humour from.” Michael’s tone was dry as he gave Lucifer an unamused look.</p>
<p>Lucifer flinched at that, ever so slightly, and it made Michael wish he had bit his tongue on that comment. Meant to be lighthearted or not, Gabriel was still a touchy subject with his little brother, and as they had recently reached some form of a stalemate, Michael hardly wanted to inflict more pain or bring forth some reason to start their fighting back up again.</p>
<p>“I apologize,” he told him, watching Lucifer sigh from across the Cage.</p>
<p>“Whatever Michael.”</p>
<p>Silence fell between them, and for a moment, Michael listened to Lucifer’s pen scratching against the parchment, moving at inhuman speeds. With that, he watched as Lucifer’s mouth began to form soundless words as if to hopefully not forget whatever he was writing.</p>
<p>“I do know it’s not nothing though.”</p>
<p>The writing paused. “What?”</p>
<p>Lucifer looked over his shoulder at Michael. “What are you going on about?”</p>
<p>“Whatever it is you’re writing. You seem far too dedicated for it to just be nothing, as you keep saying,” Michael reasoned. “And your dismissiveness hardly supports what you say.”</p>
<p>The Morningstar groaned. “You’re not going to let this up are you?” When Michael shook his head, he continued. “Fine, if you must know, I’m writing something down, so I don’t forget.”</p>
<p>“What sort of thing?”</p>
<p>It was Hell, after all, there wasn’t all that much to keep track of or remember, at least not in Lucifer's current position. As no longer technically the King of Hell (though that was subjective because if he was one of the first beings to take charge of Hell, and hadn’t given up the power, could he fully be dethroned? Of course, while in the cage, he had had one of the Prince’s, Beelzebub, overlook the actual running of Hell in his place, but he had been under the assumption being back in the Cage that was still the decision. Though he supposed that smarmy whiny little red-eyed demon Crowley definitely tried to overthrow the Lord of the Flies and make himself something beyond just a ruling figurehead in Hell), he didn’t have many duties to oversee, or tasks to pass. So, it would have to be, if anything, tasks he planned to complete after escaping the Cage. However, seeing as how it would take decades, if not centuries on Earth before the change might arise that either Archangel could escape, Michael deemed that idea impossible too.</p>
<p>So, it did not explain Lucifer’s possible “to remember” list.</p>
<p>“Why do you care?” Lucifer narrowed his eyes, watching Michael carefully.</p>
<p>“Because nothing happens here,” he answered in all honesty. “And, am I not allowed to be concerned about my brother?”</p>
<p>Lucifer raised a brow. “You’re concerned about me?” He asked flatly, and Michael nodded.</p>
<p>“And, if you keep being invasive with my questions, I will continue to throw rocks at you until you answer,” the older archangel added, smirking ever so slightly and Lucifer glared at him.</p>
<p>“Wow, how mature, Michael. Really easy to see how you’re the eldest of us,” Lucifer said, sarcasm dripping from his words. When Michael just reached down to pick up another rock, Lucifer gave another groan. “Fine. Fine, okay. You want to know, O Gracious and Loyal Son of God, then please, come and grace me in my corner with your pretense.”</p>
<p>Deciding to not comment on his brother’s theatrics, Michael put down the rock and stood, walking over towards his younger brother. Lucifer shuffled over away from the corner, just enough so that he was leaning against one wall of the Cage, and so Michael could sit beside him. Taking a seat on the Cage floor beside his brother, Michael leaned over to read what was on the paper.</p>
<p>At first, it looked mostly like just a bunch of names and words here and there, but about a third of the way from the top of the paper, Michael spotted one word that stood out in stark clarity amongst the scribbles.</p>
<p>“A puppy?” Michael read. Looking up at his brother, he frowned, confused. “Why on Earth would you need a puppy? Surely if Hell needs hounds, your immediate response would not be to acquire Earth dogs to substitute as Hellhounds,” he explained logically.</p>
<p>“I – what? No, why in Hell’s name would I want a puppy?” Lucifer stammered back, clearly not expecting Michael’s question. “Look, when I said it was a list for me to remember things, I didn’t say it was for myself,” the Morningstar argued, beginning to sound defensive.</p>
<p>“Well, then who is the list for?” When his brother didn’t answer, Michael nudged his shoulder. “Luci?”</p>
<p>Lucifer looked over at him, ignoring the question he had just asked. “What does a three-year-old want a unicorn for?” He asked instead, confusion colouring his words. Michael, in turn, blinked, too caught off guard to give a response. “Don’t they know there’s a reason why you don’t happen to see unicorns freaking everywhere?” The Morningstar grumbled, but he didn’t cross out the demand from his list, instead just put a question mark beside it, like an English teacher would with a point in a student’s essay they didn’t quite understand.</p>
<p>The eldest archangel found himself at a loss for words. A small human child was asking him for a unicorn? An animal that had been extinct since the times of Noah and his family? That hardly made much sense. Watching Lucifer rub his temples, Michael concluded that his brother had, indefinitely and most absolutely, lost his mind.</p>
<p> “Lucifer,” he began, talking in a slow tone as if talking to a spooked wild animal. When that did nothing, he reached over and took the paper and pen from his brother’s hand.</p>
<p>Lucifer looked up at him, the beginnings of a frown forming. “What the --?”</p>
<p>“You were worrying me, brother,” Michael began. “Especially with that mouthing of words and frantic scribbling. And, your cryptic responses, whenever I ask questions, doesn’t make things any easier,” he added when Lucifer opened his mouth to try and interrupt. “So, I ask, plain and simple: what is happening? Why are you writing about puppies and human children wanting equines?”</p>
<p>His little brother shut his mouth, seeming to mull things over before giving an awkward chuckle. “Right. Er, I forgot that this might actually look quite weird. Never actually had any company in here before to witness all this,” Lucifer began, gesturing to the list in Michael’s hand.</p>
<p>“This is a reoccurring thing?”</p>
<p>“Oh, shove it,” Lucifer hissed, pushing his brother. “Now, do you want me to actually be honest, or are you going to keep interrupting me?”</p>
<p>The older archangel raised a brow as if to say, <em>Okay. Continue.</em></p>
<p>“Okay. So, it’s, well, a bit complicated to understand,” he started, stumbling a bit over his words as if struggling to find the right spot to begin explaining everything to Michael. Eventually, he settled on: “You know how time passes much slower on Earth than it does in Hell and Heaven?”</p>
<p>“Yes?” It came out more as a question than a statement. “What does that have to do with this?”</p>
<p>“I’m getting to that,” Lucifer retorted, “Don’t get yourself in a ruffle.”</p>
<p>Michael leaned back, arms crossed across his chest. “Go on then.”</p>
<p>“Impatient much,” Lucifer muttered under his breath. When Michael smacked him on the shoulder, the younger archangel continued. “So, as of right now, on Earth, it’s nearly December, and…” He paused. “Wait, you know about the man they created right? The humans? He’s dressed in a red suit, and they say he travels the world delivering gifts to children once a year. Involves the whole notion of good and evil, so I’d figure you guys would be familiar with him, but then again, angels aren’t the most –”</p>
<p>His rambling was interrupted by his brother saying, “Yes, I am aware of him. Santa, I believe they call him. Modeled after Saint Nicholas,” Michael explained. “Bit strange, having designed him to be associated with that pagan holiday that Christians eventually turned into the birthday of Christ.”</p>
<p>Whatever Lucifer was going to say next never came as the Morningstar looked at his brother, confused. “Pagan holiday?” he repeated. “But I could’ve sworn…”</p>
<p>Michael shook his head, understanding what Lucifer was trying to get at. “No, Gabriel made the announcement sometime between what is now October and November. The Lamb was born in the spring. How did you not know?”</p>
<p>“Well, you try to keep up with everything going on when you’re locked away in a Cage in the depths of Hell,” Lucifer grumbled, crossing his arms. He shot Michael a look and the older Archangel bowed his head, embarrassed for not remembering that.</p>
<p>“Ah. Sorry.”</p>
<p>Lucifer waved it off. “It’s fine. Now that religion class is over, can I continue?” He replied in a rather snarky tone, and Michael rolled his eyes at that. “Good. So, as I was going to say, these human children write messages or say prayers to this ‘Santa’, asking for gifts for Christmas and oftentimes, a couple of children, well, mess up with who they are addressing the letter to,” Lucifer stated, sounding almost embarrassed.</p>
<p>Michael raised a brow, a bit surprised.</p>
<p>“You mean…?” Michael began, and Lucifer nodded.</p>
<p>“Yup.”</p>
<p>If Michael understood his brother clearly, it seemed that a few young human children made the mistake of sending their letter to Satan rather than Santa, as the spelling was quite similar. So, pair that with a young child attempting to write a letter to a fictional character on their own, and you were bound to have some spelling errors. One more notable than others. And, because of this, it seemed that any letters written out to the misspelled Santa had made their way down to Lucifer. </p>
<p>(He didn’t quite understand how a written letter could translate itself into an audio message he could hear in his head, although Michael felt that if he asked, Lucifer wouldn’t be able to answer that question. Thus, he decided to leave it alone for now.)</p>
<p>“I know it’s rather odd but-” The Morningstar began but Michael interrupted him.</p>
<p>“So, this has been happening every Earth year?” Michael asked, curious and Lucifer nodded.</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah, it does,” he told him. “It’s kinda been happening for a while? I mean, a while in Earth time, at least. Lost count though. Not easy keeping track of time being locked away in Hell.”</p>
<p>It was clear with Lucifer’s answer that he had been expecting Michael to find the situation humours. After all, because of the pesky misspellings of young children, his head was now plagued with the wishes and hopes of little children, all asking the one being in all of human creation essentially designed to be the definition of evil for toys or pet animals. However, Michael seemed interested in the whole situation.</p>
<p>Looking down at the list in his hand, Michael said, “Do you ever get them what they ask for?”</p>
<p>The Morning Star blinked, clearly not expecting that question – as seen from the blank look on his face. “Uh, I mean I sent demons lists and kids to visit, their locations, that kind of stuff. I have no clue if the demons actually follow through or not with it, but I’d like to assume the kids end up getting what they wished for.”</p>
<p>It was an honest and sincere response, and Michael, for the first time in a while, found the beginning of a smile forming on his face.</p>
<p>“Why do you ask?”</p>
<p>“I’m curious.” The older Archangel shrugged nonchalantly. His answer was sincere, and Michael nodded, the beginning of a smile on his face. “You have never been one to show kindness towards humans and yet, you do your best to help the children with receiving small gifts.”</p>
<p>“Well the Devil does have a heart,” Lucifer grumbled and at that Michael’s smile grew.</p>
<p>“I never said you didn’t Luce. Just that I was surprised by your actions.” There was a pause before Michael continued speaking, and Lucifer seemed to shift almost awkwardly, as if not prepared for the kind words and comment. Giving a teasing smile, he added, “I mean, I didn’t think it was in your nature to be kind to humans --”</p>
<p>It was a joke, and Lucifer gave a, “Hey! Rude.”</p>
<p>Michael’s smile became more genuine. “—But to assume you are wicked and cold-hearted is incorrect. The same nurturing nature you showed with our younger brothers when they were fledglings, you bring forth with these young children. You exhibit kindness, even while they label you <em>beast </em>and <em>Devil</em>.”</p>
<p>Lucifer pulled a sour face, rolling his eyes. “Okay, okay, enough with that. You’re going to ruin my image as the big, scary Devil,” he grumbled, trying to sound affronted by his older brother’s words. Both celestial beings knew it was merely an act. Michael’s words had, in fact, made the corners of Lucifer’s lips quirk up, and warmed his cold grace.</p>
<p>The older archangel was fully prepared to go further, but at seeing Lucifer’s attempt to change the subject, he backed off for the moment. <em>No need to completely overwhelm him,</em> he told himself. “So,” he said, steering away for a moment from the positive comments, “what do you do next?”</p>
<p>Lucifer paused, staring at his brother carefully. “You actually want to know?”</p>
<p>Michael nodded.</p>
<p>“Well, I write down everything they ask for, and then, like I said, I summon one of the Princes down and they take the list. Can’t say I know what then.”</p>
<p> “That’s sweet, Luce. Doing all that for those little kids.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah.” Lucifer gave a huff. “But if you let this slip to anyone, and I mean, <em>anyone</em>, I will pluck every single feather from your wings and flay your grace. Got it?” he added with a growl, glaring at his brother.</p>
<p>Michael chuckled. “You’re secret’s safe with me brother. Can’t let anyone know the Devil’s gone soft, now can I?” He teases, much like the older brother he is, and Lucifer smacks him with a wing.</p>
<p>“Whatever. You said you wanna help?</p>
<p>“Now, I never said that –” Michael began, and Lucifer shrugged.</p>
<p>“Tough.” He gestured to the pen and paper in his hands. “You’re holding that, so now you’re the scribe.</p>
<p>His older brother looked ready to argue, but then Michael accepted his fate and nodded. “Very well. Let’s go.”</p>
<p>Lucifer grinned. “Do try and keep up.”</p>
<p><em>Bring it on,</em> Michael thought back, holding the pen and meeting his brother’s challenging gaze.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you guys liked it, leave a comment! Let me know what you thought or if you guys have any fics of mine you want me to revisit and add more to (their universe wise), because I've been lately just trying short drabbles again instead of full-fledged 3k fics (not that that happened with this but ehh) to get back into writing!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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